I forgive you for not being who I wanted you to be

Betrayal is a core theme that affects all relationships. It is especially hurtful in romantic relationships. After all, the romantic ideal of relationships is “you will meet all my needs and I will meet all your needs and we will live happily ever after.” Of course, romantic idealism often gives way to 24/7 living together realities. Burping after a meal goes from being cute to annoying. Scientists say that the blind passion of romance only lasts two to four years. Once the addictive drive wears off, the dreams of “we” reverts to the dreams of “me.”

Carolyn Myss, in her book Sacred Contracts, describes what she calls “essential betrayals.” According to Myss, an essential betrayal forces people to look at the unexamined assumptions that partners brought to the relationship with them. dependencies.

Every person in a relationship has unexamined assumptions of what a perfect relationship is supposed to look like; if those assumptions are unmet, people become dissatisfied with the relationship. But until you bring unexamined assumptions to light, you will recreate the same patterns in the next relationship.

For example, a woman who keeps finding men who take care of her financially, but not emotionally. She is unhappy and dissatisfied because she’s not getting her emotional needs met. She complains to her partner which makes him angry and resentful. They each feel betrayed.

The woman I’m describing would need to look at why she recreated the same scenario, over and over, in her relationships with men, or she will never be happy. Once she looks at why she kept attracting emotionally unavailable men, she could figure out ways of getting her emotional needs met.

One remarkably effective exercise is to start a dialog with a partner by saying. “I forgive you for not being who I wanted you to be.” The exercise allows for the airing of core assumptions about what the other’s role “should” be. Once you look at core assumptions can stop recreating them. You can go into relationships without any underlying baggage.