Breaking Up or Breaking Through
Several years ago, I heard of a couple who had been together for seven years and married for four. At the time they met, she was going through a messy break-up. He had not been in a relationship since his girlfriend died three years earlier. The couple’s relationship started out passionately. Her emotional fragility fueled his macho lust. He became her knight in shining armor, giving her food and shelter. They made love constantly, sometimes as much as eight times in one night.
After they officially tied the knot, her complaints about her chronic lower back pain got worse. Sex hurt and so their love making dwindled. Since his measure of marital satisfaction was how many erections he could get in a day, he began losing interest. He couldn’t relieve her pain and she couldn’t satisfy his sexual urges. Since neither one’s needs were being satisfied, the needs escalated. Her complaints about pain got insistent which caused him to spend more time out. They broke up carrying the anger of unmet needs with them.
Unmet needs like trust and honesty are at the core of many break-ups. Here are some key questions that would have helped the couple get their needs met.
- In this situation, what is my core need?
- What am I afraid of?
- If my partner can’t meet this need, then what?
- What do I need to change, accept, or let go of to be at peace about this need?
By looking at your authentic needs, you get closer to having those needs met. The process I’m offering allows for growth . . .. To break throughs, not break ups.
